Ramblin' Woman

new start

2010-04-22T03:17:00.000-07:00

Dear cyber-world,

I've started again. I hope you done mind.

Love,
L

Interacting wtih Don

2010-04-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've been reading lots of Don Millar lately. Between "A Million Miles..." and his blog, there's certainly enough to keep me chewing over.
Maybe I didn't notice it before but his writing seems to have taken this more general and more imperative turn. I find myself wanting to argue with him even when I know he's got a point.

Recently, he wrote on the importance of intentional friendships. In one line, you become like the people you hang out with. This is all quite true, but questions stem from this which I'm sure he has too, unless I've assumed him to be someone he isn't.
* Is this true of absolutely everyone? (a question others have highlighted in previous blog conversations)
* Wouldn't it be kind of boring to hang out with people who were like me?

...(Lani takes a guitar break)...

Since we live in a very individualistic world, I give myself permission to add personal experience to the mix. I don't want to answer the first question because I don't have that kind of knowledge. I'm sure everyone's different though and I'm also sure it doesn't really matter. Somewhere, someone will be touched by this information.
Yeah, I get bored with the same people. But I wonder if it's more about majority. If the majority off your friends are dropkicks, then they'd have more power to influence you towards dropkickdom. If the majority of you are great people with one drop kick in the group, wouldn't you then have the power to influence them to become a greater person?

re-thinking attitudes

2010-04-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

I hate New Zealand culture sometimes. We fear positivity because it's too much for us to handle. We can't handle encouragement because it makes us arrogant. We just suck at building each other up.

I've discovered something about myself in the last couple of years. I struggle to give. I love giving but I struggle to do it because I feel like a dick. I struggle to encourage others. I love doing that too but I struggle to do it because I feel like a dick. I want to get excited. I don't want to feel shot down if someone shrugs when I give them a compliment. Chances are, they're stoked but in all our glorious kiwi mannerisms, we just can't show it.

I get excited about stuff. Sometimes I just want to shout it out to the world. When I've discovered something ever so simple for the second, maybe third time, I want to sing about it, but I can't. I retreat into this shell. We're all like snails who get excited temporarily and do a crazy dance but when there are people around, we retreat into our shells. I don't get that.

I want to change my attitude. I actually want to get excited and feel comfortable being excited. This is a really lame blog post but this is currently what's on my mind.

Thoughts of a miscellaneous kind...

2010-02-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

I've been in a bit of a "mull-spot" for a wee while now. What that actually means and implies is a bit hard to explain. I'm in this weird place where I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know if I'm doing what I was apparently "called to do". Sure I could just ask God or something but I don't feel like he's talking loud enough for me to hear him. Apparently the Christian thing for me to say is, it's my problem, not his. My ears aren't atune enough, not "his voice isn't loud enough." Yeah sure that's true but it doesn't help me much does it?

Maybe I'm grumpy at him. Yeah I think I am. I like him. In fact, I like him a lot, but I feel like this doesn't help me a whole lot either.

I'm also faced with a bit of a dilemma. The liberal vs conservative debate. My friends were discussing homosexuality and the nurture vs nature debate. I stood on neither side because I actually just don't know. Even that presented some problems. My friends were like "how can you even question that?!" Easy... I don't know. To be honest I don't know anything. That was kinda the point of going to Laidlaw College. It was for me to realise that at the end of the day, I know the bare minimum of all knowledge that the world claims to hold.

AND... I'm faced with this whole OTHER dilemma. Does God really call us to do anything? I mean, people always talk about how great it is that God has called me to be where I am. How come I can't hear him call? Does he call in a particular pitch where everyone can hear except me? That's a little bit unfair. Oh man I sound whiney.

That's enough now...

It's been a bad few days...

Pearl Jam's amazing concert experience...

2009-11-29T11:52:00.000-08:00

Pretty much the most amazing concert I've ever been to. It might even nudge U2 out of the top spot. Seriously 'O' for o-mazing!

There was a particular genuiness in the atmosphere, due largely in part Eddie Vedder who really seems like a genuine top bloke. I won't forget to take away from the performances of Liam Finn (impressive stuff!) and Ben Harper who really is good times. I love his vocals. There's a spine chilling-ness about his music as he lets his vocals and instruments ring for more affect, that is a complete emotional drawcard. Ben Harper is a top bloke.

What I love about U2 is how for every place they go to, they learn about the culture and soak it up. So Bono comes out on stage wearing a warriors emblem on the back of his leather jacket and right through the screens, there are koru designs during a song written for our treeless hill.

Pearl Jam might have trumped in that respect. Eddie Vedder made a joke about Parisian violence (the French getting kicked by the All Blacks). The biggest honour was Pearl Jam inviting Neill Finn and son, Liam out for a Jam. So out they came and busted a well-loved Crowded House tune, "Better Be Home Soon" and a Split Enz number, "I Got You". Chances are, a lot of those Pearl Jam fans would never go and see a Neill Finn concert but they know the songs. They're anthems... a significant part of Kiwi culture. More incarnational good times.

I was a bit gutted when I read the Auckland review and saw that PJ had skipped Jeremy off the list of songs they played. I was complaining about it to my flatmate and the next thing I heard was the simplistic guitar intro to Jeremy. It's a chilling song but it's good times. Each song took me to places in my teenagehood. There were times I would get mad at the world and sit in my room and listen to "Garden." Or when I was trying to learn the guitar and learned to play Betterman (Ah... if only they played Cropduster). Then there was that time my friends played Evenflow with their band (and In the Moonlight was a good hit too) and I just sat on by as groupie.

I loved the fact that all three artists performing on the night engaged with each other. Vedder came on during Liam Finn's set for a duo sing-a-long to "Cinnamon Girl". Vedder also came on for a Ben Harper hit. Ben came on PJ's set for a duo rendition of "Indifference". An amazing song and Ben's vocals just added to the beauty of it. And all three groups of artists sang Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World" together during Pearl Jams set.

Don't even get me started with PJ's engagement with us, the audience. He told us we were a handsome bunch of people, that the looks on our individual faces were just beautiful. He was just such a top bloke. He paused amidst the concert to make sure everyone was safe and weren't pushing each other around. He talked about ripple effects and how one violent mosh somewhere down the middle was bound to affect someone way down the front. And I should mention the rest of the band. Cameron is pretty much the man. At 48, he's still got the goods. Not to mention the guitarists, Gossard, Ament and McCready. They were good times!

And last but not least, my favourite part of the night was hearing my favouritest Pearl Jam song ever: Yellow Ledbetter. There's something about it's random spontaneous birth and our chance meeting that just gives me the chills every time. I don't even know what it means and can barely understand what Ed is on about but it's there and it's good in all it's musical glory! And it was just the way to end the show... bring out the rarity that was originally birthed on tour and initially only played at live gigs until they released Lost Dogs.

I am satisfied well and truly...

coins or change?

2009-11-17T22:12:00.000-08:00

I came across this picture as I was searching for things I thought might mean something. I like it. It's provocative. And it brings me to part of the boulder I've been thinking about lots.

We as a generation talk about community a lot. In fact, we talk a lot fullstop. It feels sometimes like we don't achieve a lot. Take for instance the case with our new neighbours. Some people moved in a couple of weeks ago and despite talking about it for the last two weeks, we haven't actually gone around and said hello.

So I've been thinking lots around the how to's of community. What are things we can do practically to engage with our immediate community? I mean, we've been through screeds of theological debate about it and we've kinda figured out what it is but now the question is, "what clothes does it wear?"

I'm not venting frustrations about anyone by the way. These too are frustrations at myself at my inability to get out of the huddle and actually do something to get to know my neighbours a bit. I suck at this.

chipping away at the boulder...

2009-11-17T03:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've got lots of things on my mind at the moment and want to reflect on the whole lot without really having to do bits at a time. BUT, I don't have the capacity to do that. That could be one massive long post that I don't really want to post.

So I'm going to start chipping away at them all... one at a time... It may take copious cups of coffee and some incredibly necessary discipline (which I lack quite a lot of).

In thought bundles:
- God, Oh how he loves us
- Holy Spirit, oh how he moves with/within us
- redemption and restoration
- refinement
- community how to's (blah blah blah, we get it... Now tell us what to do)
- 3rd space cultures
- what is church
- the liberal vs. conservative debate
- sinners in church... could I feel comfortable bringing a gay friend or drug addict friend to church?
- marriage 101 - do I genuinely not want it for the right reasons?
- Spiritual and personal formation
- Blue Like Jazz
- Our life metanarratives

Night all!

xoxo (AHAHAHAHA) Lani

thoughts of a certain kind

2009-11-08T01:40:00.000-08:00

I struggle to sit down and spend time in wading in my own thoughts. I often like to think that time gets the better of me and before I know it, I've lost it... but it's not really true. I actually just struggle to put words to what I'm feeling.

There's a lot more in my head than there used to be. The mass of thoughts in my head turned from hundreds of tiny pebbles into one massive boulder. The great thing about pebbles is that you can pick one up and just go through them one at a time. With boulders, you just don't know where to start. Do you start at the part with the jagged edges because that's easier than the smooth? Do you start at the top? or the bottom? I don't know.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about God, spirituality and community. I want to be more in-tune with the Spirit. I've known for a while now what he wills for my life and how he wants to breakthrough some stone cold areas but I just never let him. "I never have the time".
I don't read my bible nearly as much as I should. How much actually should I? Every day? Well you're lucky if I open it once a month and even then, it's probably because I'm trying to reference something.
And community... can we do it better? I think we can. I think we in the western world put in some pretty half-arsed efforts at community. Maybe it's because I grew up Samoan and just saw it done differently. Maybe I have different expectations. I just want to be able to get excited about something and share that with my community but it's so hard when I'm just not sure whether my community wants to hear it at the time that I want to speak it. I think we can do it better.

Well I'm starting again... starting the blogster in hope that I'll find my way to something inspiring...

arohanui,
Lani

to Samoa with love...

2009-10-03T03:12:00.000-07:00

When I first arrived in Samoa, I was the "white girl". People are attracted to foreigners. Unfortunately, I attracted mosquitoes too. It made me stand out even more. I had bites all up my legs. The villagers told me what I should do... massage the swelling with tea leaves... use coconut oil to repel the mosquitoes... sometimes they even helped to massage the swelling too. And for a few days afterwards, they constantly asked me if I was ok. Then they'd tell me I need to have more salt baths. So I'd go across the road to the sea and bathe my legs, always accompanied by some worried friend, family and maybe a following of small children who had nothing else to do.

* * * * *

I remember once walking through the village. My cousin and I took a trip around to the back of the village. Trailing behind me was a following of small children who had nothing else to do. So they came with us to check out the old school graves. That was quite an experience. It felt like there was an untouched world back there. We walked through a few metres of bush before we found the first grave. It was like massive piles of stones were gathered and grouped together to mark the bodies of village ancestors. We walked through some more bush and found even more graves. They were all completely unmarked. To the average westerner with no time for stories, they were just stones. But the average Samoan knew which grave belonged to whom. My grandmother knew them all. We spent some part of that afternoon clearing weed and moss off the graves.

* * * * *

I was running the shop by myself when it got robbed. I was upset. Between looking after my grandmother and doing various other things on the family land, having no money was the last thing I needed. The women across the road were always out on the road selling fagu sea. I asked them if they had seen anything. They got angry. They were angry at the injustice of having something stolen from me. Then they asked someone else. Another woman stopped by the shop and asked me exactly what happened. I told her my story and because I couldn't leave my grandma, she roamed the village asking people if they knew what happened. No one ever got found out but people offered to step in and help where I lacked support. I had trouble cooking meals and managing a shop so one of the women across the road would cook meals for me and bring them over. People didn't have much but they gave what they could. They'd give me their morning catch of fish or the fruit from their land. They offered me their protection.

* * * * *

We had a dog named Shaggy. He was a bit old and lost in many ways. We had other dogs too so Shaggy often got left out when it came to proper care. We didn't take care of him very well at all. When my aunt and uncle moved with the other dogs, Shaggy stayed with me. Because it was just me, grandma and Shaggy, I took better care of him. Turns out he could take pretty good care of me too.

I went across the road to the ocean. People don't often cross the houses on the very edge of the coast because they've got some crazy dogs that like biting. I often don't cross without my cousins. Since my cousins weren't around, I was on my own. As I was walking across the road, Shaggy followed. He followed me out to sea, fought off some dogs for me and followed me home after I had finished doing what I was doing. He slept at my feet (and usually brought a host of flies with him). He was loyal.

* * * * *

I'm not sure I can start with the funny moments. Believe me there were plenty of laughs. There were moments where my cousin and I would stand at the shop counter and laugh at the world that was going by. People often presume that it goes slower than the western world. The pace isn't necessarily about a particular slowness. It's just different. Some people work harder than people I've seen here in New Zealand. A day may start at 4:30am and mightn't finish 'til 9pm. But everything is done in communities. If I need to go clean the house, someone else will help me. If I need to go to the shop and get something, someone will come and help me carry back the groceries or make sure the dogs stay away. If I'm making "ice-cakes" for the shop (they're pretty much just frozen juice in a polystyrene cup), guaranteed one or two of the kids will help me. Then we'll walk down to the neighbouring village and get cokes.

Seriously, I know they're just how the earth rolls but man tsunami's suck.

testimonials and hip hop...

2009-09-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

I like being able to be myself. I think it feels uncomfortable because you feel so different from everyone else, but the biggest similarity between you and everyone else is that everyone feels uncomfortable for the same reason. Well maybe not everyone but most people.

Last week, me and my homegroupies talked about ways to keep it real. By that, I mean that we don't seem to have a real core. There was a definite start point where people joined because they wanted to be part of an active movement. But the wonderings of the present seem to be centred around the idea that there's no strong core that drives the active movement. So how do you grow a strong core? I'm not sure. I don't think any of us really are but we're starting at the point of sharing pieces of ourselves.
Now I can definitely tell you that I'm not that comfortable telling my story. It's not because I'm a shy person but rather because it's a bit of an uncomfortable story. But I know that I have to suck it in and get over it. It's not quite as harsh as that but part of being in community means vulnerability. All well and good sharing what we're comfortable with but how are we ever going to fix what makes us uncomfortable if we keep trying to hide it. Active communities were never designed to be comfortable. I'm sure if God wanted to model comfortable, he wouldn't have sent his son to die on a cross. ... coz I'm SO sure Jesus was pretty comfortable hanging there on a plank of wood.

Life is uncomfortable. It actually makes you want to quit sometimes. Well... me anyway. I get tired. But I also get complacent. Often when you're tired, you take the easiest route possible and the hope that it'll get you some place real good. But then you find you're in the same crap place you saw yourself coming up to. You just took the long road to get there. Or... me anyway.

Also... I like hip hop. I've always been a bit scared of liking hip hop because people are so anti but I found some underground stuff that's actually amazing. I mean, all that mainstream junk is rubbish but the stuff that doesn't get noticed... man it's gold.

simple expressions

2009-08-16T01:42:00.000-07:00

I wonder if it's possible to count how many words I say in a day. I've been thinking about the simplicity of expression. Why do we find the need to talk so much? Is most of what we say actually just rubbish?

I wonder if I need to think about ways to say less. I'm not sure how to do it. I need to think about listening without speaking. Maybe I have hours during the day that I shouldn't speak.

From the moment I arrive at work until morning tea, I won't speak except to greet people with more than just a superficial "hi, how are you?" Simplicity of expression. Maybe I really need to challenge myself with this. Maybe it'll require a whole new thought pattern. Maybe it'll mean that I actually have to think about what I say and I'll actually have to think about which conversations I partake in.

differences, tensions and conflict avoidance

2009-03-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't really done one of these for a while and I'm not sure I really know what to write. I guess it's easier to be as vague as possible. That's not because I don't want to pierce beyond the superficial. It's mainly because I'm not really sure how much to disclose when I have no idea who reads this thing.

I think I'm pretty upset at the moment. I've hit that part in my job where politics and differences in personal philosophies mean that there are tensions that just rub too hard against each other. I can't really say I know what to do with it. This weekend was the first time I've wanted to throw my job in since I started. That, in no way means I will. I wouldn't be doing my job very well if I didn't want to throw it in sometimes. It has the potential to break ya sometimes I think. That doesn't mean it's all bad.

Truth is, I love the kids I work with. It's funny how differently grown adults can come to a situation and see different things. I have a heart for the community kids. Those are the kids I see with the most potential. Others see those kids as having the most potential to ruin everything. The very kid who most would say was on the fringes is actually the one with the pleases and thankyous. He's the kid who opens doors for his peers and walks little old ladies across the road. People would know that if they spent enough time with him.

I really want a stronger backbone but I think I'd become completely desensitised if I did. I wouldn't cry for the failing kid if I had too strong a backbone. Somehow I have to fight these politics though. I guess on behalf of those misunderstood kids, yeah I do.

I dunno... tired... I love my job though. It just upsets me sometimes...

Thankful...

2009-01-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

This morning in church, the pastor asked us to call out some of the things we're grateful for. I think I'm grateful for quite a lot.
Thanks God for music, for really good juicy peaches, refreshing water, Esquire's apple juice, connectivity, community, sunshine, trees, perspectives that humble us. And right now, I'm especially grateful for glimmers of hope.

As a world we've grown a lot. Finding indicators of our global growth is quite hard but a simple look into the fact that America has a black president might put things into perspective. We still have a long way to go but we've still come so far and I'm incredibly grateful that I don't live in a world where it's alright to shun someone because of their skin colour. I'm excited because a few hundred years ago, a black president was unimaginable. We've got so far to go but man seeing this sort of stuff makes me realise that we can do it. We have done it and we're still doing it.

Yay God... Amen.

circular motions in finding the Lani in La-la-land...

2009-01-19T03:27:00.000-08:00

I have a new job... Youth Worker.

I actually kinda have to smirk, not at the job but rather at the self who's taken the job after finding means to avoiding it. That said, I was never going to avoid it forever. I guess after a two year break, it often becomes a matter of when rather than if. I always knew I'd go back to it, I just didn't know when...

...But then opportunities arose and I apprehensively grabbed them by the horns (with one hand of course). Now I just signed on as a full-time youth worker to Rolleston. I'm freakin' out slightly but I'm also really excited. People are like, "wow, you're first full-time job!" "yay, full-time salary!" "It's like an actual career Lani!"
At the end of the day, it's not just a job, or just a career, or just a salary. I get to do something I really love doing. I get to help people and be involved in peoples lives. And I get to do it under a huge umbrella of one massive awesome vision for people and communities.
AHHH! Excitement!

SO yeah... I've done full circle back to the young. Two years ago, I was working with kids and then I wanted to experience something different. So I tried my hand with the elderly. It was cool in terms of learning from the elderly and their life experiences but it wasn't really my thing.

I spent two years wanting to affect whole communities, not just a small sector of it. I became slightly disillusioned by the fact that I felt like I was only helping just one part of it. But each part adds to a bigger something.
I think living in Samoa made me realise something. Our achievements are never our own. Our families own them, our friends own them, all the people we love own them. When a young person achieves, the whole community gets to own that achievement. When they fall, we all stoop down to pick them up. I love pictures of community. I love them a lot.

And with that said... bedtime... like perhaps a few hours ago... haha

With love,
Lani

Fantasy worlds, trashy teen novels and great music...

2008-12-17T01:14:00.000-08:00

I did it. I thrashed my brain about with the Twilight series (including the leaked 250-something pages from "Midnight Sun") for 4 days. 4 and a half freakin' books in 4 days. I guess it kinda assumes that I was a bit interested in it. Well I was talking to Ems before and she said something I can relate well to: "I liked it for what it was."

I also liked it for what it was.

So what was it? Trashy reading. It made me feel good I suppose. It was some pretty ridiculous writing. All four of the published books were like drafts. They were ridiculously written with some repetitive phrases circling through and through the books. The story line needed fixing. It was a four volume love story that had no real flow. The characters seemed unrealistically nice enough but it just wasn't all right. However, it was good for what it was. It wasn't my favourite but I could appreciate it's young adultness with all it's sexual tension and 3-book-long love triangles. Poor Jacob. At least he got to imprint in the end. And he only has to wait 6 years for her to grow up.

It was good enough for me to absorb it...

I've always lived in a fantasy world. I've written about it before but it's my own world. I don't let other people in. When I was a kid, my other world was a means of escaping from the current reality. Sure there was good and evil there but it was all so black and white and everything made sense. My current fantasy world isn't as black and white but perhaps it's clearer cut than it is here. Perhaps I just didn't read into it so much as a kid. Funny thing is, my fantasy world still exists and every now and then I do escape there. I seem to like it better than real people interaction. That's not to say I don't like it at all. I like the balance.

So I've been listening to a song called "Let me sign" from Rob Pattinson for the last couple of hours and I've decided I really like it. I think Pattinson (the lead actor for the "Twilight" movie) might have some potential as a musician if acting doesn't turn out to be quite as cool.
I like his voice. It's a little unclear what he's actually singing sometimes but his tones are kinda soothing to my ear... as is the music. I only which there was more music than a simple

So here's my current playlist...

Please please please let me get what I want - The Smiths
Mr Mista - Nesian Mystik
Let Me Sign - Robert Pattinson
Never Think - Robert Pattinson
Delicate - Damien Rice
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
We Are Broken - Paramore
Decode - Paramore
Letter to Elise - The Cure
Let This Go on Forever - Snow Patrol
Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics
Let Go - Frou Frou
Peace - Pacific Heights
Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional

Peace out homies!!

xx Lans

confidence, gifts and outright denial...

2008-11-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

Life is crappy but it has it's fab moments.
Or perhaps life is fabulous but it has it's crappy moments...

I've had stuff churning over and over in my head these last few weeks mainly about this thing of "doing". I feel like I have no right to be doing God's work, but at the same time, I'm more spiritually content than I've ever been in my entire life. I just happen to be aware of this tension that exists on a different, perhaps more human, level.

A couple of years ago, quite possibly even last year, I was sitting in a lecture on Spiritual Gifts. The lecturer is a guy I have an intense amount of respect for. He was talking about gifts and how we should seek them. I sat there thinking, "I have no idea what my gifts are. God, what are my gifts?" So my lecturer starts talking about the gift of evangelism and how evangelists are necessarily all outgoing and loud personalities, but rather warm and draw people to them. Then he turns and says, "Leilani, I think this is your gift." I remember looking around the classroom thinking, "what...?" We got together and prayed about stuff and he came over to me and said I had the gift of a pastoral heart.

Since then, I've known what my strongest spiritual gifts are but I've done so much to deny that I even have these gifts. Pastors and evangelists have so much responsibility and in a lot of ways, I think that scares me. I don't want to be the person preaching grace when the last thing I feel I am is gracious. I don't want to be the person with the big deep dark secret. My life is an open book for this very reason. But somewhere there has to be an element of "sucking it in" so to speak. I've always known that I'm supposed to minister to the broken people out of being a broken person picked up from the rubbish heap by grace enough to carry the weight of all my baggage. I know that there are tensions in being human and being like Jesus. I know that bad stuff happens. I also know that life isn't easy and it's full of tensions and dichotomies. I know that I can't define the problem of life with my ministry degree, just like you can't with your economics or your psychology or your sociology degree. Not even that simple bro.

So yeah... I've got to get over this stuff. I said to a friend yesterday and giving of yourself all the time just drives you to insanity. Not giving of yourself at all drives you to a different kind of insanity. I'm feeling pretty insane right now. I'm cynical and less hopeful because I haven't done anything "good" for anyone without expectation of something in return for a looooooong time. I need to go do something.

Let's do something! yeah!! I want Africa. I want the vibrance and the brokenness. I want to dance and to weep with people. I have no home. It's neither there, here or over there. So I'll just put my stakes everywhere and mould. yeah!! I want to go somewhere and do something out of the grace that picked me up from the garbage heap. Grace isn't something we have to work to earn. We work out of having already been given it.

I read "The Ragamuffin Gospel" again the other day by Brennan Manning. I'm a ragamuffin, you're a ragamuffin. Don't even try to pretend otherwise. Chances are, someone will knock you off your high horse. The Bible is full of ragamuffins who screwed up big time. Solomon let wealth get the better of him. The great King David was captivated by someone elses wife and just had to have her for himself. Jesus was seen as descending from the great line of David and who else should be worth noting in that line but the prostitute Rahab. Paul, the greatest evangelist, wasn't what we'd call great when he took on the name Saul. Likewise, the world is full of broken ragamuffins who try to get it right but fall short all the time. Story of my life really. Maybe we need to quit it with the idea of "trying" and simply live out of what we've already been given.

I have to quit with ideas of not being adequate: being too young, being too broken, being too lost, being too financially broke, whatever. I need to get over it because essentially I'm mocking of the notion that I've been given grace at all. May such a gift tie me down eh...

With love,
Lans

Being responsible...

2008-11-23T00:56:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about the Nia Glassies of the world particularly after reading Rosemary McLeod's article) and I'm trying to think about whether or not I would have dobbed. It was an absolute tragedy and I feel passionately that it should never happen to anyone, but I'm just not sure. That said, I have dobbed about stuff before. If I feel a situation would put a child in danger, I'll dob, but I have this conscience that prohibits me from being able to nark without hesitation. At the end of the day, if I know a kid is in danger of shit that's just completely and utterly insane and irrational, I'll do what I can to ensure the safety of that child, but yeah... not without brain debates.

Something in McLeod's article struck me...
...all share some responsibility. It wasn't just up to the adults around Nia to look after her: it's up to all of us to look after each other, surely, and to act when we have reason to doubt anyone's safety.

This morning in church, someone talked about those big dudes in ministry who fell apart. They committed some huge sexual crime and "fell from grace" so to speak. Then there was that church going fella that shot up a school in America. Of course, there are also those whose lives just got the better of them and they fell apart, walked off the rails completely and came back on when they saw the train coming at full speed. It's often hard to imagine that these people actually exist within our walls.

I love Petra's song "Rose Coloured Stained Glass Windows".
Out on the doorstep lay the masses in decay
Ignore them long enough, maybe they'll go away
It's awfully honest about we who live in our bubbled churches. But maybe it's evolved. It's become more than that. Perhaps we're living in individual bubbles within our churches. So it's more like Casting Crowns' "Stained Glass Masquerade"
Am I the only one who's traded in
The altar for the stage?
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart.

What is community?
What is church?
What does being "community" entail?
How about "church"?
When does it get easier to keep the mask off?
Does dobbing ever get easier?
Can we really fall apart?
Will anyone like us, let alone listen to us if we do?

I'm tired and my allergies are driving me nuts.

Bonsoir,
x Lans

Love:: life:: why?:: regrets:: and grace...

2008-11-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about stuff a lot lately, particularly with regards to how this year has panned out. Quite honestly, it's been quite the year from hell. It's funny because prior to this year, if you asked me if I could go back and change anything about my life, I wouldn't have changed anything. Everything that happened, regardless of how shitty it was, I thought of as something more to add to my experiences. But, as it happens, if I could go back and start this year over, I really would. I'd convince myself that home is where my real family is and go whereever they were. Maybe if you asked me in a couple of years whether or not I'd change all the happenings of this year, I might say no, but right now, I don't want it.

Such is life I guess. Maybe I lacked all the discipline in the world. Maybe I lacked the humility I needed to get on with what I needed to get on with. Maybe I lacked 'need'. I've always been a bit headstrong. Some people mightn't notice it but those who know me well, know that I'm quite stubborn. It comes from my mother.
I can walk with people for a while but for some reason, I always feel this great need to venture out on my own. It pisses some people off because one minute I'm with them, and the next I'll have disappeared (most probably across town). Then I get a text message, "DAMN LANI!!! WHERE THEY HECK DID YOU GO?!?! I HATE WHEN YOU DO THAT!!" "uh... sorry. I got distracted. I'm coming." It was really quite an empty apology because I'm not usually sorry. It's just what I do.

I was reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning yesterday. He retells Morton Kelsey's story of a traveller who comes to the edge of this huge abyss. There's nothing but a tight rope across it. Then suddenly he sees this acrobat dude coming across the tight rope. As the dude gets closer, the traveller notices that he has a wheelbarrow with him. When the acrobat gets to the end and the traveller finds himself standing side by side with him, the traveller applauds.
"Did you like that??"
"Yeah!!"
"Do you believe I can do it again?"
"Yeah totally!"
"Ok, get in the wheelbarrow."
So what does the traveller do? I'm not actually sure. I've never read the story.
It seems so easy to say I trust God. If he were to wheel me a wheelbarrow on a tightrope, I'm not sure I'd actually get in. It's really quite the story my life. My non-christian friends know I'm christian. But I find myself disliking typical christians so much that I try my best not to act like them. My opinions of everything are actually quite moderate but I express them in absolute extremes. I imagine myself with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. God's walking around trying to find us. I come out of hiding when God calls out, "Where did you go?" "uhh sorry God, I got distracted." And then I imagine myself walking home alongside the prodigal son. We've both tested the waters and found them too murky to swim in. And our old man welcomes us home.

I think these last couple of weeks have been the first time I've actually felt any sense of remorse about the last year and what's happened. I guess I had some things to learn. I guess I learned. I guess I learned what isolation is. I learned what it is to have people actually hate me. Some of it was with good reason. Not all of it but some of it certainly was. I recall lying on the shop floor in Samoa crying my eyes out and screaming at God, asking him where the heck he went. I get this picture now of people at a gym.
"Ima do some weights. Will you spot me?
"Yeah sure."
Perhaps God's something of a spotter. We have to carry the weights because that's how we get stronger. But he spots us. It feels kinda cheesey thinking about these analogies but maybe that's what God is like. He's pretty damn gracious.

I'm ok. I have a lot of regrets about this year. I regret allowing myself to fall apart. People always tell me, "Lani it wasn't your fault that stuff happened." No I don't take all the responsibility for all that happening. But I do take definite responsibility for losing my composure. When bad stuff happens, I tend to lose my head, and turn to all the wrong things, whatever I can get my hands on. Why is this not a good idea? Then I isolate myself for a few weeks and I don't want to see or talk to anyone. My friends are pretty gracious people. I walk away and I come back and it's like nothing has ever happened. Always they say, "hey Lani! Welcome back!"

Yay for::
God:: grace:: friends:: love:: wheelbarrows:: acrobats:: spotters:: learning:: welcomes:: ragamuffins:: open communication lines:: adventures::...

Apathetic thoughts...

2008-11-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about how little I care. Lately, I've been plagued by the disease of apathy. I don't actually care about many things. That could well be a lie because maybe there are things I care about but I dunno... I really don't care about a heck of a lot. I want to but don't. Well I kinda do care about things but not to the extent that I used to. And that worries me. I need someone to kick my arse.

SO things I've been thinking about...

*Africa: She has stolen my heart. I want to dance there.
*The ghetto fringe: she holds my heart captivated. Well the idea of her anyway.
*Teaching: a much more marketable qualification.
*Politics: IT has invaded my thoughts. I hope John Key and his caucus do ok... for all our sakes. Mr Key, I offer you my hope (but with it comes fear too).
*Social interaction: I do more with the TV than with my friends.
*Endings: I like them better than beginnings and middles.
*Roots music: there's a history and it created the now.
*God: for some reason, he loves me.
*Hope: how so many people invested hope in me and I feel like I let them down.
*Cynicism: why are New Zealanders so cynical?
*The American dream vs. the Kiwi dream: Own your own home, earn a decent living vs. Win the Rugby world cup.
*Poverty: It sucks.
*Being brown: what does that even mean????
*Futures: apart from it being a good 'Jimmy Eat World' album, what does it entail?
*Relationships: what is it about '23' that makes people so pushy about marriage? and why are 12-year-old kids "going out"???? Maybe I'm too old.

I'm going to go study. One more exam and then it's over red rover. Trying to think if working next year would be better than studying. I like the idea of work but I don't want youth work. I'm denying that it would be me in any way or form. I'm pretending to be good at something that's not what I should be doing with my life. How sad is that? That's Lani. I deny that I have any leadership qualities and yet I know I do. Denial in the life of Lani. I deny a lot of things.

I need to find myself and be happy with that self. Someone kick my arse.

xx Lans

Praise God for...

2008-10-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

grace:: music:: connectivity:: snail mail:: his word:: cadbury drinking chocolate:: lemon/lime sorbet:: the quiet dishwashers who think they get away without being noticed:: the body of Christ:: friendship:: guitars:: humour:: grace:: sunshine:: freedom:: redemption:: inspiration:: Rob Bell:: siblingship:: life lessons:: magnolias:: children's choirs:: gifts and talents (Praise God we don't have to be good at everything):: hats:: backyard cricket:: simplicity:: grace:: ethnic diversity:: curry:: ...

...to be continued...

Futures

2008-09-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

I've sat here a long time with nothing really to write. I'm confused. There's lots I have to say. I want to save the world just as much as I did when I wasn't that screwed up. That said, I'm not really that screwed up. I'm fixing it, or allowing it to be fixed. I know that could sound unbelievable but that's kinda how it is. I know the extent of my screwed-up-ness. I know that over the last few months, I've tended towards sucky but right now, I know that and it's being sorted.

But then there's this other thing. I hate social work. I hate it. I mean, sure it could just be first year annoyingness where it'll be annoying for the first bit until it gets better than it is now but I really don't like the theory as much as I like the practical stuff. I've decided I want to work. I don't just want work though. I want to work for God's glory. I want the mission fields more now than I ever have. I want Asia. I want to be a teacher to kids in Thailand or Cambodia or India. I haven't really decided yet. I want to play soccer in the streets with kids. I want that life. I really want it and teaching and education gives me something to take to them. I still want to save the world. Who knows? Maybe after that, I'll come back with fresher perspectives enough to save my own backyard. So I'm thinking maybe a graduate diploma in Teaching and Learning (primary). I'd like to work here in NZ for a bit maybe and then go. That would be mantis. I want to teach kids who want to be taught. I want to teach.

That's about the extent of my confusion. I just have to get past the hard part of applications for the programme. I need to find me some referees. This is kinda exciting me. I hope this is the right thing to do. Pray for me haha.

Lots of love,
Lans

passing...

2008-07-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

India Arie is currently singing to me...

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love aint happening the way I wanted
Feel like I'm about to break down
Can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass...