I've been in a bit of a "mull-spot" for a wee while now. What that actually means and implies is a bit hard to explain. I'm in this weird place where I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know if I'm doing what I was apparently "called to do". Sure I could just ask God or something but I don't feel like he's talking loud enough for me to hear him. Apparently the Christian thing for me to say is, it's my problem, not his. My ears aren't atune enough, not "his voice isn't loud enough." Yeah sure that's true but it doesn't help me much does it?
Maybe I'm grumpy at him. Yeah I think I am. I like him. In fact, I like him a lot, but I feel like this doesn't help me a whole lot either.
I'm also faced with a bit of a dilemma. The liberal vs conservative debate. My friends were discussing homosexuality and the nurture vs nature debate. I stood on neither side because I actually just don't know. Even that presented some problems. My friends were like "how can you even question that?!" Easy... I don't know. To be honest I don't know anything. That was kinda the point of going to Laidlaw College. It was for me to realise that at the end of the day, I know the bare minimum of all knowledge that the world claims to hold.
AND... I'm faced with this whole OTHER dilemma. Does God really call us to do anything? I mean, people always talk about how great it is that God has called me to be where I am. How come I can't hear him call? Does he call in a particular pitch where everyone can hear except me? That's a little bit unfair. Oh man I sound whiney.
That's enough now...
It's been a bad few days...
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2 comments:
well hopefully the last few days weren't bad because you saw me :P
hey don't worry about the calling thing - there's a small voice, not as strong as the mainstream current which babbles loudly, that has the same fear, cry, confusion. Yes, I do know people who think they are called to be where they are, or that God directed them directly, but at the same time, I know many more people who feel like they meander along, not really hearing anything from God. You are not alone! You are not silly! And I also think - just because you do not hear from God in the way you think you ought does not mean he does not think of you, or that what you're doing isn't right.
And the place where you don't really know what you're doing? Let me know when you find a way to get out of that place!! ;)
Love M
It's taken me a while to say this Llama but thanks...
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