Apathetic thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot about how little I care. Lately, I've been plagued by the disease of apathy. I don't actually care about many things. That could well be a lie because maybe there are things I care about but I dunno... I really don't care about a heck of a lot. I want to but don't. Well I kinda do care about things but not to the extent that I used to. And that worries me. I need someone to kick my arse.

SO things I've been thinking about...

• *Africa: She has stolen my heart. I want to dance there.
• *The ghetto fringe: she holds my heart captivated. Well the idea of her anyway.
• *Teaching: a much more marketable qualification.
• *Politics: IT has invaded my thoughts. I hope John Key and his caucus do ok... for all our sakes. Mr Key, I offer you my hope (but with it comes fear too).
• *Social interaction: I do more with the TV than with my friends.
• *Endings: I like them better than beginnings and middles.
• *Roots music: there's a history and it created the now.
• *God: for some reason, he loves me.
• *Hope: how so many people invested hope in me and I feel like I let them down.
• *Cynicism: why are New Zealanders so cynical?
• *The American dream vs. the Kiwi dream: Own your own home, earn a decent living vs. Win the Rugby world cup.
• *Poverty: It sucks.
• *Being brown: what does that even mean????
• *Futures: apart from it being a good 'Jimmy Eat World' album, what does it entail?
• *Relationships: what is it about '23' that makes people so pushy about marriage? and why are 12-year-old kids "going out"???? Maybe I'm too old.

I'm going to go study. One more exam and then it's over red rover. Trying to think if working next year would be better than studying. I like the idea of work but I don't want youth work. I'm denying that it would be me in any way or form. I'm pretending to be good at something that's not what I should be doing with my life. How sad is that? That's Lani. I deny that I have any leadership qualities and yet I know I do. Denial in the life of Lani. I deny a lot of things.

I need to find myself and be happy with that self. Someone kick my arse.

xx Lans